THE TRUTH ABOUT OLD MEN - Chapter 6

CHAPTER SIX

One of the greatest dangers old men face is a return to the workplace after a period of retirement. Of course, that pre-supposes success the first time around and that means an old man on the come-back trail is a little smarter than the average bear. That’s where the rub develops.

All the children on the job share a common look in their eyes when they see the old man coming. It’s a look no one but the old man recognizes, so they don’t realize it‘s written all over their face. The look screams “I know you know something I don’t know, but I don’t know what it is.” That look is followed by one which screams even louder, “What ever you do, don’t give me advice.” That’s another way of saying, “You may know something I don’t know, but I DON’T want to know what it is.”

The kids also share a common belief that the reason hiring old people is a bad idea is that all people over 50 have Alzheimer’s Disease and cannot find the pencil sharpener when it’s time to process data. They believe Alzheimer’s disease is the reason old people require more toilet paper than is necessary and are continually clogging up the toilets -- they cannot find their own assholes. The reason they share that belief is that each of them does his part to pass it around, to insure they all agree. This will mean anything coming out of the old man’s mouth they don’t already know must be the result of Alzheimer’s disease, rather than stuff he found out before they were born.

Once, I tried to explain to my son why he should listen to my advice and guidance. I thought the facts spoke for me, but he forced me to recite them anyway by behavior that suggested he knew as much as I did.

I said, “Look, son...on the day you were born I finished up a 27-year stretch of life that I would now like to describe for you. On each and every day of those 27-years I was conscious (except for the day after I married your mother, on which I was drunk and remember nothing.) On each of those 9,612 days I learned something new. I have been thinking over this advice I am giving you 27-years longer than you have been thinking about it. How dumb do you think I would have to be in order to know less about the issue than you do?”

“Pretty damn dumb,” he said. “So what’s your point?”

Old men remember when the advice of elders was a valuable commodity and obtaining the guidance of a mentor was key to noteworthy achievement. But when you’re on the come-back trail and the kids see you coming, all they know is that you know something they DON’T know, they DON’T KNOW what it is and would rather not find out. So whatever you do, whatever you say, don’t give them any advice. Keep your mouth shut and pretend you’re as stupid as they are or they will sabotage your come-back by clogging up the toilets.

It is true that kids today are living in a different world than the one in which the old man grew up. The children on the job have very good reasons to be suspect of any advice he gives them. After all, the future waits for no one, things are changing at the speed of sound and “new” is still the most powerful word in the advertising dictionary.

Prudent, reasonable old men remember stories their dads told them during those bonding moments they were balanced on the paternal knee, hanging on every word and learning they would, at some point, be required to walk 9-miles to school... with no shoes... in the driving snow... after milking the chickens. They understand the high-tech workplace where information moves from nation to nation as quickly as it moves from mouth to mouth contains challenges and demands only a nimble brain can resolve. And the old men who have not completely surrendered to the savagery of Alzheimer’s are not so jaded they expect to find the sort of primitive solutions their fathers warned them about during the bonding moments to have an application in the modern world populated by their junior colleagues on the job. After all, the old man reasons, if kids today were so primitive ancient wisdom could solve their problems, one might expect to see them walking about with their skin decorated by cryptic designs etched in indelible ink like the old man‘s ancestors. One might expect them to perforate their bodies and insert imbedded jewelry into the orifices they create. Why...to the old man they would look a bit like multi-cultural indigenous peoples dancing around a campfire.

It is essential to any old man attempting to make a professional come-back that one simple syllable be mastered. It should be used to answer any question posed by bosses half his age. All together now...repeat after me...”Duuuh.”