THE TRUTH ABOUT OLD MEN - Chapter 12

CHAPTER TWELVE

One of the major challenges faced by seniors living in the new millennium is posed by the metamorphosis through which commercial etiquette has traveled in the course of a respectable lifetime.

A trip to what we are calling the “convenience store” where gasoline is now purchased is rife with opportunities to examine these refinements in the way commerce relates to the people upon whom it depends for its livelihood.

In a more genteel time the landscape was punctuated by gas stations and the regimen for consumers was virtually effortless. It was not even necessary to exit the car. Simply drive up to the pump. A cherubic but somewhat soiled young man would approach the driver’s window smiling broadly and ask, “Fillerup?”

A “yes” nod to the attendant opened the driver to a virtual cornucopia of care. The costumed agent began by asking if you wished to keep the garden hose section dangling from the gas tank and, once it was removed from the orifice, he inserted his instrument and activated the automatic filler upper mechanism on his pump. While the refueling was in progress, the agent sprayed your windshield with solution and wiped it free of road debris, working hard to avoid spending too much time staring up your girlfriend’s skirt as he cleaned the passenger side.

“Pop the hood for me, sir?” he’d ask when the glass was done. Then the rag in his rear pocket would be used to clean your dipstick so your oil level could be checked. Battery cables would be given a quick wiggle to insure they were secure, belts would be jiggled to test their health and the radiator cap would be given a brief inspection. These courtesies were as productive for the owner of the station as much as for the driver, because any malfunctions discovered by the attendant would be called to your attention, and you would be offered parts and service necessary to repair or replace them. This could be done by the station’s on-duty mechanic while you waited.

At the conclusion of this process a predictable ceremony took place during which you would give the cashier some money. Two words would then leave his mouth designed to express the owner’s gratitude that you chose his shop to make your purchases. These words were, “Thank you“.

Now....in the glorious and progressive 21st Century, you will make a mental note to speak to your neighbor’s children about the section of garden hose dangling from your gasoline orifice as YOU insert the pump nozzle and fill up your tank AFTER using your bank card to pay a price that would have bought you a new set of tires in years gone by.

Any inspection of what lies beneath the hood will be done by you and any problems will be discussed with employees of the dealer, because the only employee of today’s gasoline station does not speak your language and knows less about automobiles than he does about acquiring American citizenship. The visitor from another nation who you meet at the cash register can be differentiated from the occasional American you encounter with ease. If you are old enough to be his grandfather, the American cashier will address you as “dude,” or, if you register any dissatisfaction, “geezer.”

Any air going out of the store through the dispenser and into your tires will cost 50-cents and be inserted in the tires by YOU. Any air coming into the store through the vacuum cleaner will cost you 75-cents. You pay no matter what direction the air is going.

The process has its benefits. Debit and credit card purchases can be handled at the pump, speeding up the gasoline purchase. When you reach for the receipt you will see an LED display instructing you to ask the cashier for the receipt. To obtain the receipt you will fall in line behind those purchasing lottery tickets and wait.

At the conclusion of the process you will hear four words from the retailer’s representative. These are, “Have a nice day.” You will answer, “Thank you.”

Young purchasers of gasoline do not realize the cashier has been instructed by the owner to thank customers for choosing to spend their money in his establishment. They believe it is good etiquette for the CUSTOMER to thank the CASHIER for allowing them to shop there. But the old man bites his tongue every time he hears “Have a nice day.” and nearly gnaws it off when he, sometimes, hears himself absent-mindedly mumble, “Thank you” in response to being handed change.

How did the clerk develop this inexplicable resistance to the practice of thanking the patron on behalf of the owner for the purchaser’s business? Why is it so hard for a person to get his lips around the syllables, “Thank you?” It is an enigma that requires time on the planet to fathom.

In the mind of the cashier a “thank you” is an acknowledgement of participation in the sales event. It suggests that he/she bears some responsibility for your satisfaction. It opens him/her up to criticism if you have a problem with the splendid service you have been given or the exorbitant price you have been charged for the air you used while on the premises. There is no “thank you” forthcoming because the employee considers him/herself NOT RESPONSIBLE for anything taking place during your visit, so there will be no acknowledgement of participation as might be implied by a “thank you.” In this way an employee can leave at the end of the day with a clear conscience. It was not his fault that you registered your displeasure over indignations you suffered in a voice above a whisper. He was only doing his job when he called the police and had you led away in cuffs for the criminal act of abuse.

The truth about old men is that what happened at the convenience store would be an endurable affront if the attitude of indifference to customer satisfaction was confined to the convenience store. But once he has made bail over speaking too loudly to the clerk and is again free on the streets, the old man may go to purchase an appliance of some sort. When he looks to see what guarantees the manufacturer offers about performance and parts, the attitude he encountered at the convenience store will be recalled upon noticing the manufacturer requires the customer to pay additional monies for a guarantee that the item actually does what it was purchased to do.

In the old man’s mind the private thought that taking a consumer’s money in exchange for a useless item is tantamount to theft, extortion or fraud. But complaints to the place of purchase will be referred to the manufacturer and there he will be asked if he paid the manufacturer the necessary fee to insure that the item works. “May I have the number on your service contract?” the customer service representative at the manufacturer will ask.

“I didn’t buy a service contract.”

“Then how do you expect me to refund your money or repair the item?”

“I expect it because I gave you money for a blender and you gave me a nonfunctioning piece of shit in return for the money I gave you.”

“I wish I could be of help to you,” the customer service representative says, “but without a service contract there’s nothing I can do.”

“But you have $34.32 of my money and I have nothing to show for it.”

“Sorry.”

“But....”

“Have a nice day.”

“.................Thank you.”